No matter what you call me I will always be your mother....

Mother, Mommy, Ma-Ma, Ma...These are all words we down south use to describe the Female person that gave birth to us.  I say this because it is important to note, that you can have several mothers over a lifetime.  Those who are adopted say...this is my Biological mother but such and such was my "real mother".  Children of divorce say "step mother" and "real mother" of course this does not reveal which they love more.  I have met many people that never knew their "biological mother" or had a "step mom" but had a "nother mother" usually a friends mom, or a teacher, a mentor, and sometimes just sometimes she is a Highpriestess.

I have decided to talk about Mothers because Mother's day has just finished.  The Temple this weekend is doing a "Mothering Rite of Passage" and so I find that my mind has been on trying to define this "title" again and again so that it is not exclusive and more inclusive.  Here are some of the discoveries I find about it.  First of all we all have in our minds a stereotype or expectation of what a MOTHER is.  Yes, think about it you do.  It is not fair, nor is it correct but each and everyone of us can tell you very quickly whether we think our own personal mother was a "good one" or a "bad one".  Also, I want to point out that women ourselves judge each other by our own standard of what a "good mother" or "bad mother" is.  We say..."she is not a great mother", or "she does such and such" implying a woman is a bad mother.  Really who are we to judge?

Of course if you are locking your child in the basement and not feeding it, or clothing it child protective services should be called in...but if it is just that one mother is more "protective" or "disciplined" than another mother who cares? 

 

 

Look at the picture above you this is ONE of the many faces and aspects of my Goddess ISIS.  She is considered one of the major Archetypes of Motherhood.  She is the Universal MAMA.  Horus called her Mommy.  We never see her scold him, or here her get stressed out and tell him "no!"  We do not read her typing blogs that give tips on "raising a toddler" or "cussing because he is driving her insane (tongue in cheek)" but I am sure there were days when Isis felt this way even about her little Godling child.  People assume that Isis was the PERFECT mother and with this assumption if you worship her or are her priestess you find that you as a human fall short time and time again.  It is okay though, because I am going to share with you a story about her that fills her in a bit better and shows you more of the kind of mother she was and is.

Horus was a young man (think twenty something like our millenium children).  He had decided he was going to get revenge for his father Osiris' murder and slay Set his uncle and his Mother Isis brother.  He had been told by her, and by his Uncle Thoth that he could not kill Set and that he had to be patient and let the council of Gods discuss and figure out a way to peacefully settle the dispute between him and Set so that both people and all the population of Egypt could live their lives pretty smoothly.  Horus was impatient, this seemed stupid to him and obvious that the Elders and his Mother was wrong.  So he went out and confronted his Uncle Set near the Nile and challenged him to a duel for the kingdom.

Isis (being a mother) sensed her son was in danger and came to the river banks to help.  She decides that she must "save" Horus from his older and stronger Uncle/her brother and pulls up a harpoon and launches it at Set to kill him.  However, Set being clever sees it and pushes Horus in front of it thus her harpoon pierces her son Horus' side.  Horus, without thought, immediately runs to the river banks where his mother is and in a fit of rage and without explanation chops her head off (kerplop!).  He does not ask Why, or give her time to explain the accident he acts on his own accord judging her actions and does a horrible thing.  Thus beheading the woman who risked her life to give birth to him.

Thoth, the eternal wise God, appears and replaces Isis' head with that of the Sacred Cow or Bull depending on the dynasty and so from this point on she is not seen with the headdress of a THRONE but with the sacred Horns upon her head always.   IN the year 2013 it is hard to find an Isis without this headdress on and a very rare and highly prized possession indeed to find her wearing the throne or the wings of a vulture alone.  BUT, before her son Horus cut the Apron strings from her she was primarily a bird goddess, a moon goddess, a ruler, and a mother.  AFTER, all of this muckity muck with her own Son Isis still goes on to defend him and argue very logically on his behalf sticking with it patiently until he finally does "win" his quest and acheives his goal of the throne.

Isis was not perfect.  She deserts her son at times in the story to search for her husband leaving 7 scorpions to take care of him and other nature deities.  Isis lies to Ra and tricks him to get her husband Osiris resurrected.  Isis slays people in her way, and does anything she can at times to protect her child and make sure her husband and his kingdom is properly taken care of.  YET, after all this time most only see Isis as just a Mother.  If she lived today...what kind of mother would we judge her to be?

When I first started on my Path with Isis she nurtured me and coddled me, but after about a year she started to tell me that "I could figure it out"  and that "I knew what to do" or better yet "Handle it and let me know how it goes."  I did not like this answer from a Goddess I thought would be a good "Mother" to me.  As I have aged, and have raised more than just four children I have come to see that I judged her very "harshly" and that maybe the best thing I could do is worship a Mother Goddess who constantly evolved as she grew thus forcing me to do the same. I wanted her to coddle me, I wanted her to "lie" to me, I wanted her to "do it for me".  Hmmmm sounds strangely familiar huh?  No wonder why people seem to give Highpriestess and Clergy if they are female a hard time sometimes....They expect us to be an unrealistic Goddess Mother.

Things to think about...What do you think being a Mother is?  What are your expectations of a Mother?  What kind of Mother are  you?  What kind of Mother did you have?  What kind of Mother do you want to be?  How do you Mother yourself?  Do you have unrealistic expectations of Goddess as a Mother?

I want to end showing you this picture because I think it is a pretty accurate representation of our Modern times, and Isis likes it...because everyone is not perfect we are just learning. 

A modern day ISIS perhaps?  Let us all re-think Mother, and Mothers, and Goddess Mothers and Women in Mothering roles and see them bloom and unfurl as they are naturally evolving like the Goddess we worship. 

 

 

 

It's bad manners to "air the family laundry"

Now that I am older I am more comfortable talking about it.  I was raised in a level 10+ abusive household growing up. (I learned to assign a number to it in therapy years ago).  I used to never tell anyone.  I was ashamed, and truthfully it is bred and beat into you if you are raised in these kinds of homes to NEVER tell anyone, and to hide the bruises or explain them away because No one" airs their family laundry" and  "blood is thicker than water".

For some reason I was convinced until I left my parents home that I was the ONLY person treated that way.  It made no logical sense for you to hurt or hate your child so much to me; but as the years passed and I finally moved out, got married, got pregnant I realized there were a whole slew of abused children in this world.  I also learned that almost all families are dysfunctional in ways, I became well versed and read in these areas because of Sociology and Psychology. It seems there were also "worse" (I am horrified to say this) kinds of abuse than just emotional, mental, and physical.  I learned about sexual.  It seems, I could count my lucky stars (according to the experts with three letters or more behind their name) that I had not been sexually molested.

I thought this was rotten.  NO child should be molested in any way ever.  There is no better or worse way to be abused.  Abuse is Abuse pure and simple but it seems there are definitions to even this.  Thus, the levels and it goes on and on.  IT also became apparent that if I prodded at it, I found that the emotional, mental, and physical abuse apparently runs in families.  Thus, you can ask your grandparents and mom and dad and find out if they too were "treated like this" thus thought it was normal.

 Guess what my parents were emotionally, physically and mentally abused.  I asked my Mamaw and it seems she was also; she did not know if her Mother and Father had been.  So I knew right then I was third in a long series of abusers and was continuing and perpetuating a family tradition of child abuse which had been scripted for my bloodline even before I was a glimmer in my Dad's eye.  According to statistics I would also abuse my children. I haven't, in fact I never spanked my first child even once.  He has turned out wonderful. 

I am not saying I might not have raised my voice (let it also be noted I have a busted left ear drum and my loud might not be your loud) like most parents do.  I think unconsciously at times we all do, and consciously.  When adrenaline sets in and we want our child to stop and listen to us before they get burned, or fall, in short...hurt themselves.  It is the tone of Danger.  "Hey listen to me...it says, stop, your going to get hurt!"  I have not "cussed them out" told them they were "ugly" and  I do not tell my children they are "bad". I never tell my children their "dreams are stupid" , that it "can't be done" and that they "need to grow up".  I do however encourage them to learn basic survival skills as young adults, to pursue spirituality and think hard about these things because they shape you.  I let them know I love them, I hug often, and most of all I try to be honest with them rather than vague because I want them to learn the art of Thriving that somehow I have stumbled upon.

I am raising a Toddler Pagan right now whom I love very much; but unlike my first child he does not respond well to directions; and threats won't turn his head.  It is mental reasoning  and some physical grappling you have to do with him to get him to respond.

  "Cayden, hold mommies hand while we cross the street..."
"NO!" Pagan toddler yells, jerking his hand away.
"Hold mommy's hand"  I repeat kneeling down in front of him and looking him in they eye.
"NO" he yells back at me.
Mommy grabs Cayden's hand and vice grips it in hers and slowly guides him across the street.
"NOooooooooooooooooo!"  Cayden murmurs and says stomping his feet for a few footsteps until he sees mommy means business and is ignoring his tugging back and trying to run away.

I stopped and I look down at his crumpled little face and his pouty lips and his questioning eyes...and I cannot help but feel a little bad; but I cannot pick him up anymore he is killing my back and he has to "learn to follow instructions" in this world.  I weigh in my mind...did I just abuse him?  What outcome will this interaction instill in him if any?

 When I got him on the curb I  hug him tight, pat his back and tell him I love him.  "Thank you for being a good boy and obeying mommy and holding my hand as we crossed the street"  I say to him.  "I love you"  I say kissing him, and he kisses me back.  "Remember 'before you cross the street hold my hand'"  I sing to him in the tune of John Lennon's song Beautiful Boy.  I remember holding hands with my 21 ear old "Clifton" and singing that song to him every night before bed.  I remember what it was like to be that little and what it felt like to hold someone's hand.  I pray my Children feel "safe" when they hold my hand.  I never felt that way growing up.

I made a conscious decision to walk a different path than my Ancestors when it came to raising Children.  This is not the only fork I have created in my family tree, but it is the one I am the most proud of.  I am not perfect.  I am someone who has survived.  I have survived many things, one of those awful things was Child abuse.  I cannot change the world, but I can drop my pebble in the pond.  My pebble says "NO CHILD ABUSE".  If this post relates or resonates with you in any let me know.

Thank you for the gift of your time.

She was as quiet as the raindrops hitting a tin roof....

I haven't spoken to you all in a while.  I did not know what to say.  I felt whatever I said it would be read under a microscope, picked at, scraped at, and possibly misconstrued.  Then I realized, sometimes silence is okay; but being "scared to be judged" is not.  Let us all be honest here, you would think with me being Clergy of a Wiccan Church I would expect to be judged, and scraped over the coals.  You do and that is by the Christians usually, or people that just really ""have no idea" what Wiccan/Witch/Pagan is; BUT you do not expect fellow Pagans to do the same; but they will.  What sets an Elder Clergy apart from a "pretty new only four year Clergy" apart is the attitude.  They have all been burned, and hurt and threatened at many points and probably continually but their hides are thick and their shields even thicker and they have been there and done that and realize that you "cannot please everyone" and that "someone has to do the work". Yet, they still love and have compassion and take chances on new people every day!

By the way, believe it or not, Pagan Clergy is a fastly growing phenomenon in the South.  Especially in the ATC (Aquarian Tabernacle Church) which we are an affiliate of.  It is not that I lacked training, my local elders gave me classes.  My Midsouth elders heaped more classes on me, I have read more than twenty books on it and I am constantly increasing my library to be better at it; but in reality there is NO real preparation that can happen to prepare you for the transition from Highpriestess of a coven to Clergy of a Temple.  You have to get that the "old fashioned" way my Elders did through trials by fire.

Let it be stated at this vantage, that the Elders here in the Midsouth/South  are the best I have ever met.  They have stamina, they have passion, their magick is incredible, their wisdom deep, and their love and acceptance for the new Clergy makes one feel right at home.  When you hurt, they listen and they will pat your back from time to time but the best thing they do for me is push me and prod me and make me jump back in there and believe in the "work" even when I do not "mentally" feel it.  In fact, they have taught me that "following the will of the Gods is paramount" and that to "serve others" and "share the sacraments of the Gods" with others my real calling.  I felt the call, I was naturally a driven person but for some reason we people that want to "give and share with others" seem to think we can please everyone.  I am one of those people; and guess what I cannot.

I share this with you because I want you to understand that Pagan Clergy are not super human, we have frailties and flaws and we learn from our mistakes just like everyone else.  Sure we know a few things, maybe a lot of knowledge, but what makes a great Clergy seems to be time, consistency, and love oh my Goddess the love just pouring through you like an invocation that never stops...."Isis, please use me today.  Isis please help me be better.  Isis, please help me listen with your ears.  Isis, please as I walk your path may I be considerate to others.  Isis, show me how to help my community."   Then one day you realize it is this constant "nagging" that shows you are insecure, sure you want to serve but you don't exactly know how to do that and so you have to come and "trust" a power higher than yourself to walk you through it.  You are constantly improvising; gathering knowledge as you go understanding that every case is different and every situation new and unfolding.

I thought I was a horrible candidate for clergy five years ago.  I probably was, but my Elders saw something in me (just like my Gods did) that I never could see.  It might have been my determination, or my passion for my Gods but they have held up a mirror to show me parts of my self and have taught me to love all of them even the "darker ones". Through this, I have come to accept "dark and light" in Sonya and have come to see that it all works as balance and counter balance and that all of my skills that are called into play are "light and dark" at times.  All of life is not happy...in our circles we point out that life is where "joy and sorrow, pain and happiness all come together and meet making one energy".  How funny I could say that line for more than five years, and yet until recently could not apply it to myself.

 We women had gathered for a healing circle.  Beside me were two mighty sisters and Crones, next to me a sister I have come to love more and more; the energy was being raised for healing. We all intoned wordlessly together and there in that circle patterns and harmonies and melodies arose!  Each woman singing her own natural tone, her own natural rhythmn and it was beautiful to hear!  As the energy wound down I looked over and saw one of my own community sisters crying; her pain was so fresh it hurt me to watch.  Without thought, I ran to her and put her in my arms and held her head to my shoulder and rocker her until she was calm and okay.  We toned a sorrow howl together for a moment, it was just her and me though all those women were still singing.  

RIGHT THEN I remembered telling an Elder Clergy I would never be that kind of woman, the kind that babied people and held them while they cried; I did not see that I was capable of it; but that woman had evolved and she had embraced change and sorrow and joy and happiness...and there Me and she was and I KNEW.  I was going to be good at this job!  Hell, I might already be good!  

I could credit all the Ministers who coddled me and fed my spirit (White, Black, Christian, Catholic, Presbyterian, UU, Episcopalean, Pagan Female, Male).  I can point out journeys, or insights I have had from my Gods that verify this path for me....but none of that has mattered until that "moment" a few weeks ago.

So if you don't like this post; ignore it.  It is okay, NO ONE is for everybody!  However, if you can relate and this post resonates with you...pass it on.  It is important (I think) for people to realize Pagan Clergy are human, and we learn together as the WHOLE community grows (and if you are pagan that means you!).  I am so grateful and so very happy that this is my path, and that I have the opportunity to share that joy with so many of you!

THIS week...remember that all of you is Sacred even the parts you do not like.  Remember that all of you is necessary there is only ONE you and you are the most unique wonderful you ever!

As always...thank you for the gift of your time.

I found myself, now what do I do with her?

It takes silence to listen to the Gods.  There are many layers of existence that are going on at the same time on so many different dimensions; but if you focus and you ignore or get "past" the everyday sounds of non silence (like TV's blaring, the sound of yourself typing, the sounds of trains on the railroad tracks, or cars driving down the road, or airplanes zooming over head).  If you can tune out all of that then you can hear what is really going on.  Especially in the mornings when you have not had time to cut on your "chatterbox" that is rattling what you have to do for the day, week, month in your head.  You know that voice that immediately reminds you of the laundry you have to put in the washer, or fill the coffee pot, or pack your lunch, or what you are going to wear that day...?  Yeah, that voice. 

 If you get up before that voice is "awake"  then you can hear the Universe........

The sun rises slowly in the east illuminating the sky with white light.  It's beams circle like halos on the earth, and you very easily can reach out and drink in its perpetual light; lighting up your stomach with the light of the sun, sending it down to your pelvis, further down your calves, into your feet, your toes spread sending it down into the earth that you feel yourself connecting too.  You hear that?  That is the beat of the Earth God Geb below you .  Yep, that's right!  The sun energy you sent him made you connected to him.  Beat, beat...Bump, Bump....Beat, Beat,.....Bump, Bump.

You sit there swaying to the energy of the Planet Earth's heart beat until you feel it feeding you.  It pushes you up and back...You need a quick breath.  In hale!  That is Shu...(Say it like Shuuuuu), yep say his name outlide and let it roll of your tongue...SHEWWW.  Feel his light blue light filling you up, entering through your mouth, coating your tongue, tickling your throat, going to your chest and swirling around there.  Blue light blue....Send that swirling energy down to your navel, further down into your pelvis, let it trickle down your thighs and then creep into your calves, rushing down into your feet...spreading your toes and planting you firm.  

Look up.  Notice the beautiful blue sky stretching over you and the clouds chasing each other.  That's Nut (pronounced Newt) Say it...NUUUUUT!  That is your big atmospheric Mama protecting you!  Isn't she just beautiful! Yep, you do live in a bubble and that Bubble is cradling you and protecting you!  Doesn't it feel nice to know you are that loved and taken care of? 

 Breathe in the Shu, Sway to the heartbeat of Geb, Look up at Nut and Feel that you are loved.

Feel the bright sunshine prickling your skin.  Notice its warmth; let it enter into every pour of your being.  Notice that it is illuminating you and that for a moment our vision is smeared like Vaseline on a window pane.  That is Ra, Grandfather Ra.  Say Thank you Ra, for that insight today. (Hear yourself saying those words and notice how heartfelt they are and how happy you are right now!)

Now go on get inside and get ready for whatever your day is unfolding to be.  Prepare in joy, let your pace be the same as the universes, may you flow and understand that you are so loved; and truly truly a remarkable being...and while you are driving to drop off your children at school, going to work, or just taking your dog for a walk; remember that heart beat, feel that sun flowing under your skin!  SMILE!  You are connected!

Thank you for the gift of your time! 

They are as happy as if they had good sense.

Yule passed.  The log was burned, gifts were exchanged and the new year of the Roman calendar slid in like a barge on the Mississippi river.  This past year has just been a blur.  I know many of you feel the same it seems as if I could hardly hold on to the Momentum pushing me.  I am here...I used to be there.

Brian (my hubby and highpriest) have experienced such large changes that I am surprised at times to still see him standing next to me smiling, and nodding.  I don't tell too many people this but I really most of the time cannot figure out why that man asked me to marry him in the first place. Goddess knows I tried my best to scared him off, and if I did not buck like I had a burr under my saddle for the first three years my name is not Sonya.  It seemed as if deep inside I really did not think I deserved a life partner, that if someone really saw the pace I ran my life on and dealt with all of my issues he/she would run to the hills screaming.  There had to be a reason why my parents weren't very nice or affectionate to me; and no man had really stuck around that long.  I was blighted, I was cursed, I was really just awful my shadow self said..and I accepted it; because there was nothing solid and hard to tell me any different here in the physical to prove otherwise.  Though it should be stated I had faith and hope I was wrong.

Heavens knows why immediately after we got married we decided to co-found a Wiccan/Pagan church together when we should have been honeymooning it up but Brian and I did just that.  Then, not very long into that venture we got pregnant and brought a new son into our newly found love and life that we were trying to construct.  When I was pregnant he was the perfect husband not just there but always loving me and making me feel super sexy (how he did that I will never know but he managed it).  When I stress over the bills of the Church getting paid, or the next years syllabus, or a ritual, or a member of the church that is having a difficult time...he is there.  He hugs me, and listens and guides me to my higher self.  Pointing out what I do right; never ever whipping me with what I do wrong because he knows that I am the harshest critic of myself..and that my parents did a superb job feeding my inner self with all kinds of criticisms that looped in my head constantly.

He has not circled what I needed to work on one time...NO not once.  Through his tireless quiet demeanor and love and admiration of me I have grown to become a gardener who eliminates those weeds of harshness and criticism of myself.  Once I was able to do that, I was able to be less harsh and critical of others...funny how it works that way huh?

 When people in the community outside were critical and harsh to me because I was a transplanted southerner he just held me closer and walked with me tighter never letting me think about "quitting or giving up" because he believed in me as a person, and in me as a highpriestess and the clergy I could become.  This is why I still look at him in amazement thinking, well damn he really does love me and always will walk by me. 

Brian and I struggled with "pre-conceived" gender roles in parenting, marriage, jobs, and as clergy.  I am more projective and pushy, Brian is really more receptive and nurturing.  I am more of a giver and giving to the point of hurting (sacrifice is part of my makeup) but Brian is more of a receiver thinker when it comes to giving he has taught me to choose more wisely and I have taught him how to give without thinking!  It is not over our partnership, or our marriage but now that we both realize we really are here to stay and have worked through some of the biggest hurdles we think most people get tripped up on; we both feel happier than a cat who ate the canary....and I find it has changed me!  Being Happier makes your jaws sore :))))))))

I posted these pictures today on my blog to remind us that the Goddess many of us worship is DARK and LIGHT.  Right now it seems so popular to say I am a DARK Pagan and not into Wicca that is too "light" for me.  OR I am a being of light I cannot stand "death, dark, and dead things" but we forget that our Goddess holds a sycthe in her hand, and is the face of death and life.  That the moon is DARK and LIGHT that its cycles go toward full and then toward void.  My Goddess is ISIS and yet she is the Wife and Co-ruler with Osiris the God of the Underworld (you think that's dark enough)? If not maybe the God Anubis (the Dark Lord, the Bone father, The Guardian of the Gates of Death, Psychopomp) seems a bit more your speed? I dedicated myself to him last year for a year and a day with my third degrees and he has taught me so much my head has not stopped spinning.

These Gods and my Goddess would not let me fly like a bird until I acknowledged, realized, and purged out of myself the deepest darkest fears and lies I had been telling to myself for years.  They did it by sending me a person (and it should be noted many other friends) to love me.  Until I could accept that FULL love that came to me where I was and elevated me to where I am I could not become better, or happier, or smile in the mirror truly SMILE at myself.

I am not a Practioner of only DARK magic.  I am not a practioner of only WHITE magic.  I worship the Dark and Light, the Sun and the Moon, I dance with life and with death.  I AM BALANCED and when I am not...one of the many Gods and Goddesses I worship will let me know how to fix it and address it; but it will not be Brian he will always look at me with pride in his eyes and a smile on his face. 

 This Blog post is dedicated to the person who has taught me more about life, love, magick, manhood, parenting, marriage, friendship, compassion, laughter, acceptance and the list goes on and on.  He is my Dark Lord and my Sun God; and I am as happy as a person with good sense!


 

We were riding a boat down on the River....

 NOW if you want to tell a Tall Tale down in my parts.  The line..."We were on a pontoon boat down on the Tennessee River," let's everyone know a really Big Tall Tale with adventure is about to begin.  Everyone in the room laughs, and grins and leaning forward in anticipation....waiting as the accent becomes thicker (for dramatic inflection of course) and the gestures become wider.  You know the person telling it is sharing something common and collective we all can relate too.  We all know someone that has a pontoon boat, probably grew up with a pontoon boat somewhere in our family...and we all have the experience of realizing that while it states clearly for everyone to see NO DRINKING AND DRIVING A BOAT everywhere on the river; that most of the funniest stories come from relatives, or you, or friends, or some dumb redneck abusing this law.

A pontoon boat is a small shell that really floats most of the time, it has an engine you use to get it from A to B and to move it faster and is usually used to fish on.  However, down south I have seen it used to pull people on inter tubes and knee boards and to even pull families of children(including second or third cousins) behind it.  We Southerners are known for inventive things like this that you know is going to end up on the Televisions of America under the File America's Funniest Home Videos; or on YouTube with a million hits.

Last night we all sat around on New Years eve sharing these stories about people getting so drunk they parked way up on the banks, or lost cell phones, or how our Uncles or Fathers made sure to be home by 4pm because they had to "make martini time".  You can look at this judgmentally or you can see it as it is which is a commentary on how common it is in the South (I cannot speak for every other region) to drink and drive and how for some reason we associate fishing with that sport of drinking with a huge cooler and it does not matter if you catch a fish but if you have a real good time.  People seem divided on this issue; but now that I am older and mellower I can just look at it and laugh and shake my head surprised we all lived through this time in our lives when we were being pulled on inter tubes by uncles that were cussing, raising hell, and drinking like fishes while whirligigging us down the river.

I realized today how apt the analogy is for our lives to some extent.  We are all on boats down the river.  Some of us are riding on intertubes with other people driving it.  Some of us are driving pontoons, some canoes, some house boats, some sail boats, some yachts, some barges, or paddle boats...but we are all on that river.  I have had people tell me," you just try to hard to paddle" or "you steer the boat too much"  you should just "go where the river takes you"....they might be right.  However, I tend to think that if you don't paddle or steer you might get stuck or beeched somewhere and that I would like to drive my own damn boat (thank you very much) and not get pulled around on a knee board for the rest of my life.  You can call that controlling or very astute depends on whether you are a glass "half full/half empty" kind of person.

So here we are all on boats, driving down or up a river all headed toward somewhere we either have plotted on a map or :just sense" in our gut.  You can always stop at a clearing and set up camp for a spell but at some point you do have to get back on that boat and travel the river because it does flow on, and you cannot remain stagnant.

 

 This year, I am acknowledging that I am on a big boat with my Co-founders in life and that my job might just be to read the map and point out that we "might want to take a right at the fork".  This year I am going to let the "pirates" who want to take my boat over know very clearly that it is not an option that they can have unless they are going to fight me for it because I do not lie down or cry surrender when it comes to my life.  This year I will not have people "looting me" or "pilfering through my stuff" or "borrowing" parts of my gear and identity...because they all have their own boat and have been given their own map if only they choose to use it and read it.  BUT IF you want to follow our boat, if you want to travel the same seas with us (because rivers lead to bigger bodies of water), if you want to come experience this wonderful adventure called life with me and know I am not going to "stop to shore for martini time" then you are more than welcome.  I am pleased to have the company.

Something to think about....What kind of boat are you riding down the river of life on?  Do you even have a boat or are you letting someone pull you through?  Are you the captain or co-captain that shares with your family members your boat?  What map are you reading?  Did you even know you had one?  What rules are you going to maintain this year on your boat and for your life?

Have a wonderful NEW YEAR this year!  THANK YOU once again for the Gift of your time! Please share in the comments below some answers to these questions if you do not mind....

"I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'"

This year I cooked Thanksgiving dinner at my house.  Using a Kitchen that I did not design, buy or know.  It was my mother-in-laws kitchen.  Well loved by her and well used by her; but for me it was awkward, cramped, and finally I adjusted. 



This year has been a tough one.  My husband lost his mother, me my mother in law, all of our children a grandmother and that loss has been felt.  To make matters weirder we moved in her home which we inherited and we live here.  Yep, everytime Brian's children come to visit us they have to walk into this home where their grandmother just lived and now doesn't anymore. I find myself worried about how that makes them feel.  Does it even ever cross their mind?  When they look around the room does their inside voice say in their head to them "Here is where my grandmother put her Christmas tree, etc...and now I will never see it again."  I wish I could balm their pain, and ease their loss but instead I invited them over for Thanksgiving dinner.  Which is the way we Southern Mommies love their children.

Before I moved into the house I had it painted and completely transformed it with color so that when I walked into it I did not see Mamie everywhere.  My fellow goddesses called it "making the house my own".  I kept on telling myself people buy houses from other people, or move into houses where people have died just recently.  I know though the reason I agreed to move here is because it was something my husband wanted to do.  It was if as long as he could live in his mothers home it would comfort him somehow....and I was okay with that because if that is what he needed to get over his grief and to eventually help him with his loss then who am I to stand in his way?  My job as I saw it was to give him what he wanted, while trying to compromise and make it to where it did not seem so strained and more peaceful to me.

The Templites (this is what we call our community because we find it very positive) all gathered together to bless me on this new venture and gathered a beautiful basket, witchy kitchen towels, a bottle red wine, a loaf of bread, incense, pink salt, candles, and fresh herbs that I would need to bless my home.  I blessed our home, I swept out the negativity and asked each and every God and Goddess to please move into our home.  Constantly I stroke the walls and tell the home I love it and am so appreciative of its beauty. I have pruned and petted the pear tree and apple tree in the yard until they seem newly rejuvenated.  I built altars at the apple trees base, and in the middle of the pear tree there was a altar hole alread with a pre-faded fairy door and window.  I have laid out offerings to the land spirits.  I have made way for the fairies and am building them homes along with the brownies and gnomes that have made their presence known. 

I have visions of how the home will look, and have finally gotten the outside painted as beautiful as the interior with french vanilla and dark burgundy cherry shutters and door.  The front flower bed with unkept roses has been pruned, and offerings of coins, and corn, and beautiful stones have been lovingly places at the borders so that the God Geb will feel our gratitude; and know that we are happy!  Life is sunny! Life is prosperous!  Life is abundant!  Life is beautiful if only we create it and take the time to do the work making it so...

I invited some really good friends to join us for the dinner with our grown children in our new home that I am adjusting too.  The home filled with light, laughter, lots of stories, children played in the home.  Games were played.  Wine was enjoyed.  Desserts were divine. 

I looked at everyone laughing and smiling and I realized that if I really do direct the Movie of my life that I had led it in a new direction.  I was tired of feeling grief, feeling guilty, being awkward.  I had re-written my script.  I was in love with a handsome man who loved me back in a healthy way; had beautiful healthy children; smart, talented, witty friends; a beautiful home; a fulfilling paying job; and a full spiritual life.  I had people who loved me, encouraged me, and were loyal, I have Gods and Goddesses that are evidently working in my life.  I have many children (four) and several grandchildren now (three).  My life is full!  My life is beautiful!  Life is good!

This year was the first time I was the grandmother and the Crone of my family that took care of everyone.  I was the eldest female, and I had somehow or another stepped into my role relatively easy. I remember being the grandaughter that was a little girl sitting on the counter while my Mamaw made brownies.  I remember being the woman that went to her mothers not bringing a thing because she was so poor and in college.  I remember coming to Mamies (my mother in law) with just a dish or two trying to help her more and more as she got older.  Now I am in her role, and in my Moms role, and where my Mamaw was.  I am the Head of the female household here...the changing of the guard was inevitable it always is.

As I wash the dishes and place things in the dishwasher I marvel at the relative ease that I really pulled that big meal off with and how smoothly I did step into that role.  The turkey was moist, the stuffing good, the gravy warm not too cold...and I hear my inner maiden say "oh no we are grown up!"  "It's okay"  I say out loud to her to comfort her.  I have been preparing for this role my whole life and had no idea.  I am so glad I had the Mother, Mother in law, the Mamaw, who patiently showed me what I was supposed to do when they were gone.

"Thank you Ladies!"  I say aloud.  "Thank you Isis!"  I say to my Goddess.  "Thank you house and kitchen for working with me today."  I say to our new dwelling.

I listen with my mundane ears and my "unseen ones"...."You're welcome"  I hear the air vibrate back to me.