Brian (my hubby and highpriest) have experienced such large changes that I am surprised at times to still see him standing next to me smiling, and nodding. I don't tell too many people this but I really most of the time cannot figure out why that man asked me to marry him in the first place. Goddess knows I tried my best to scared him off, and if I did not buck like I had a burr under my saddle for the first three years my name is not Sonya. It seemed as if deep inside I really did not think I deserved a life partner, that if someone really saw the pace I ran my life on and dealt with all of my issues he/she would run to the hills screaming. There had to be a reason why my parents weren't very nice or affectionate to me; and no man had really stuck around that long. I was blighted, I was cursed, I was really just awful my shadow self said..and I accepted it; because there was nothing solid and hard to tell me any different here in the physical to prove otherwise. Though it should be stated I had faith and hope I was wrong.
Heavens knows why immediately after we got married we decided to co-found a Wiccan/Pagan church together when we should have been honeymooning it up but Brian and I did just that. Then, not very long into that venture we got pregnant and brought a new son into our newly found love and life that we were trying to construct. When I was pregnant he was the perfect husband not just there but always loving me and making me feel super sexy (how he did that I will never know but he managed it). When I stress over the bills of the Church getting paid, or the next years syllabus, or a ritual, or a member of the church that is having a difficult time...he is there. He hugs me, and listens and guides me to my higher self. Pointing out what I do right; never ever whipping me with what I do wrong because he knows that I am the harshest critic of myself..and that my parents did a superb job feeding my inner self with all kinds of criticisms that looped in my head constantly.
He has not circled what I needed to work on one time...NO not once. Through his tireless quiet demeanor and love and admiration of me I have grown to become a gardener who eliminates those weeds of harshness and criticism of myself. Once I was able to do that, I was able to be less harsh and critical of others...funny how it works that way huh?
Brian and I struggled with "pre-conceived" gender roles in parenting, marriage, jobs, and as clergy. I am more projective and pushy, Brian is really more receptive and nurturing. I am more of a giver and giving to the point of hurting (sacrifice is part of my makeup) but Brian is more of a receiver thinker when it comes to giving he has taught me to choose more wisely and I have taught him how to give without thinking! It is not over our partnership, or our marriage but now that we both realize we really are here to stay and have worked through some of the biggest hurdles we think most people get tripped up on; we both feel happier than a cat who ate the canary....and I find it has changed me! Being Happier makes your jaws sore :))))))))
I posted these pictures today on my blog to remind us that the Goddess many of us worship is DARK and LIGHT. Right now it seems so popular to say I am a DARK Pagan and not into Wicca that is too "light" for me. OR I am a being of light I cannot stand "death, dark, and dead things" but we forget that our Goddess holds a sycthe in her hand, and is the face of death and life. That the moon is DARK and LIGHT that its cycles go toward full and then toward void. My Goddess is ISIS and yet she is the Wife and Co-ruler with Osiris the God of the Underworld (you think that's dark enough)? If not maybe the God Anubis (the Dark Lord, the Bone father, The Guardian of the Gates of Death, Psychopomp) seems a bit more your speed? I dedicated myself to him last year for a year and a day with my third degrees and he has taught me so much my head has not stopped spinning.
These Gods and my Goddess would not let me fly like a bird until I acknowledged, realized, and purged out of myself the deepest darkest fears and lies I had been telling to myself for years. They did it by sending me a person (and it should be noted many other friends) to love me. Until I could accept that FULL love that came to me where I was and elevated me to where I am I could not become better, or happier, or smile in the mirror truly SMILE at myself.
I am not a Practioner of only DARK magic. I am not a practioner of only WHITE magic. I worship the Dark and Light, the Sun and the Moon, I dance with life and with death. I AM BALANCED and when I am not...one of the many Gods and Goddesses I worship will let me know how to fix it and address it; but it will not be Brian he will always look at me with pride in his eyes and a smile on his face.