When you hit around 27 leading up to 30 a weird thing happens to you as a human; you start to find yourself digging as deep as you can within yourself and reaching as far as you can outside of yourself for answers. Answers to questions that are important to you and you only. Did you know that scientifically we can prove that this is because the planet of Saturn in your chart is returning? Here you find yourself planning for a future with you in it. Not a “dream” future with a perfect Barbie home and a picket fence (well you might) but a more realistic future like I want to be married and have a kid, I believe that there is or is not a Supreme being or plan to this universe, and family is or is not important to me. This all being said I did not expect any kind of “inventory” of this type to happen to me again until I was at least 48-50 since I was told it happened about every twenty years.
I am not telling you a tale when I say to you the Saturn return in my life was a HUGE experience for me and has everything to do with the choices I made that have led me here to the deep south, my husband, my little baby Cayden, the TEMPLE which I adore, and our current little community. All of these things make me happy and just throb my heart when I am around them or think about them. About 35 I stopped long enough before my Birthday to think about where I was and was I on target again? I liked my results and soldiered onward constantly aiming for the goal.
This past year I turned 40. I did not get depressed like my father or my mother did; it really did not bother me. Getting older I found that if anything, it made me more determined and pushed me harder to reach some goals I had. One was procuring a building for us to worship in down here in these parts. A couple of months ago that occurred and one month ago we had our GRAND opening and there were so many people at the Temple that the cars wrapped around the parking lot. It was not the numbers that astounded me (or the other clergy) it was the feeling one gets when they realize that their idea hit on something.
At the Temple of the Sacred Gift-ATC (yes we are an organization) most of our members are family oriented. Many if not half of us have children, some of us have grandchildren, and the ones coming up behind us just like family and friends as a feeling. The amazement of this to me was that someone who has tattoos and piercings, unusually loud hair and eccentric ways could be right about ONE thing…there were people out there like me who wanted a safe, clean, place to worship their Gods in. This week we are putting the altars up on the wall and all people that worship there and many who do not can have altars on that wall and candles lit to their Gods 24/7 by the Clergy who are so happy to worship their Gods in a Temple again.
So, I am going to run backwards to my topic…Saturn returns and taking stock.
I did not think that at 40 I would take inventory but I found right after we accrued the building and everything came together perfectly from the Universe and coordinated with the People and our Gods that I was stumped. Yes, I was jumping for joy…but have you ever been so busy fighting, pushing, shoving, running, accruing that sometimes you forget what it is for? I think I might have. I think I had no clue as to what I was supposed to do with myself once we had the Temple building. I know that sounds odd; but apparently I had not made a plan as to what to do with all of this bounty when we had acquired our goal.
This month, I have been “re-claiming” my home. I have taken on re-decorating my retro bathroom and it now has comic book pages on the wall and this week I will varnish those and slowly paint the trim and cabinets white to make everything look fresh. A zombie pinup shower curtain, Betty Page painting, and Maenad with a wolf at her side round the look off and I find that when I brush my teeth or wash my face at night or in the early morning it is hard to be too grumpy surrounded by my favorite things. Next, I am taking back the yard. I had planted several herbs that I had always been interested in now I am rotating them cultivating them studying them more closely and finding that maybe if I take the time I might have a greener thumb than thought.
When I was pregnant with Cayden all I did was read about homesteading, “living off the grid” and survivalism and the topic fascinated me for the whole ten months. Because I was chasing the Pagan dream however I did not take the time to put in motion my dream. Yesterday, we finally bought three hens and built a pen. I went grocery shopping slowly but surely eliminating things like Margarine and processed flours and sugars out of our diet. Jars were bought, and I know now that I want to can and “store back” food in a deep freezer and can. If you look at my facebook page you can see this is my interests (other than retro clothing and pinup girls) but as much as I liked these things they all took a back seat to the Temple.
Worship occurs at the Temple of the Sacred Gift-ATC every new and full moon and Sabbat as always. I love these times, my spirit soars and I learn as much as anyone else I feel. Litha we had a pool party and a ritual to Saule; this new moon it will be to Freya and Odin, next moon Allison will teach us about Hindu deities, and Lughanasa John will share with us Ogdi and a burning purification ritual. This does not count the classes and workshops in-between these worship rituals that are offered constantly that I am excited about. We are having bellydancing classes (I have always wanted to take this but never took the time), self defense workshops (nope I never took the time), classes on “how to regress people”, Channeling, Breathing techniques, I am offering Tarot readings. So my spiritual table, plate, and cup is running over…and it is time to let it spill over into my mundane life.
I love the fact that my Gods do not want me to be “miserable” or “punish me cruelly” all the time for actually being human and making choices or acting in ways that are not for my highest learning. I love that when I complain to them and say “hey I want something for me” they point out that I did not “make something for me” thus I had nothing for me. I laugh at this because I feel my Gods are not coddlers but truthful and full of joy and mirth. I love that last night after driving to Ripley Tennessee with my husband Brian and our baby Cayden with our three new Golden hens that I slept with the image of me and the God dancing the WHEEL OF FORTUNE to the tune of “I could have danced all night” from the King and I.
What do I like most about 40? The fact that I can look backwards and smile, the fact I can notice that now is imperative to the door I am opening with the huge keys I posses on a ring on my waist. I find that “blaming others” is unacceptable and taking accountability for myself and learning how to juggle has become one of my favorite things to do; and I am so blessed and happy that next to me and all around me are people who smile laugh and cheer me on even when I do drop a plate while riding a unicycle because that is how I roll…silly, whimsical, always reaching and trying to experience more.
I hope you find that no matter where you are in your life, 20, 30, 40 or even more (yay for you btw) that you realize it is never too late to try new things, pursue personal dreams, choose a CAUSE and back it 200%. We all know life is short, but what makes it full is friends, family, accomplishing, things and painting the world the way you want it to be (while respecting that others are doing the same).
Thank you for giving me a brief sabbatical from this blog; I needed to re-gather my thoughts and ideas and dreams for a bit. Most of all, thank you for the gift of your time and love!