I have a great life. I have a handsome, very intelligent husband who is my Highpriest in circles, who supports me in my interests and career, who is a wonderful step-father and daddy to his baby, who is an example to the world of what a man should be and he loves me! In fact, he is crazy about me. I have two healthy biological children the oldest being like my sibling in some ways and the youngest stealing my heart and making me young. I have two cats one with eyes as orange as marmalade and a manx who has been my familiar for over 18 years! My Goddess Isis and God Thoth constantly speak to me, guide me and show me how much they care for me. I have a cute aqua blue retro home that is full of furniture. My cupboards are full of food, my appliances work! I have a job that I love doing, at a salon where the owner appreciates who I am and respects my opinion and loves the fact that I am a spiritual Pagan Priestess.
I am lucky enough to have a community of people whom I care about, and who constantly show me how they care about me and support me. I have a Temple to worship at that has given me an opportunity to leave behind a spiritual legacy. I live in a city that is interesting and has a rich Southern urban history sponsored by Sekhmet and Ptah whom I also worship. I have friends all over the United States that I know if I called right this moment would be here for me emotionally and spiritually but also if need be would fly or drive to where I am at to be here with me in my hard times.
Everytime I think of something new I want to do or try the Universe provides an opportunity for me to try it. I like to write, I have a blog. I wanted to learn how to publish books, Terry Riley trusted me to publish his and the ATC asked me to help publish more. I wanted to do only pinup hair and extreme cuts and colors and I find that here I am doing just that. I wanted to teach Pagan classes, I do. I wanted to be able to be a mom, work a job, and be a Highpriestess I am! I wanted to learn from great Spiritual leaders, I have and still do. I wanted to meet my Pagan heroes and heroines I have met all of them except two! My life is good; but I have a problem I wanted to share with you all I have isolated, identified and am working on. No matter how good my life is, no matter how perfect my job, no matter how fabulous the Temple is ...I get scared that it is too good; find flaw with it and worry that the other shoe will drop.
It is as if I have a “good things allergy”. Yep, there I said it. My oldest son Clifton pointed it out to me a couple of months ago and I thought he was crazy. He said “Mom, I know our life was so hard that everytime you got a break something else happened to us…but now your life is NOT hard it is so good. Why can you not relax and enjoy that good? You worked so hard to get to the good I do not understand why you are not giving it to yourself and receiving it.” Yeah, he said that and now is not the time to point out how our children see things that we cannot see.
I got mad, I started to stay something and set him straight. Then I shut my mouth, and swallowed air because I realized he was right!
Sometimes, we live or continue a pattern so long that we do not mark or acknowledge the point or second or day when we turned a corner and got past that pattern in our life. I outgrew that “outfit” of hard times but now that the shoe does not fit I am still wearing the OLD worn out creaky shoe and patching it up apparently! I am not the only one, I see it all around me in other friends who have had some really rough patches getting over addictions, divorcing partners that were toxic, getting past adultery issues or death of a child in their personal relationship. Yet still, no matter how good their life gets they still expect the BAD to come and spin them up in a whirlwind again. They refuse (as did I ) to take the life jacket off and get out of the little inflatable boat to step on the paradise island the universe has provided for them. They will not eat at the the banquet table the God and Goddess have laid out for them with fine china, their favorite dishes, real silver ware and expensive wines to drink. They are positive that if they sit down at that table and accept those fine things that were given to them that there has to be a catch, it has to be an illusion and the food that the spirit has given to them cannot be as good as it smells! In fact they are betting it is all a mirage it cannot be their name written on that table!
If you find yourself doing this, like me it is okay. I promise you it is okay. Do not beat yourself up for it, in fact, do something really really nice for yourself. HUG YOURSELF, let yourself release all that pain and fear. Fear is what is motivating this feeling and the only way to eliminate fear is to shine a bright light on it and chase it away.
One more thing, if you can totally relate to this article take the time to write down or say aloud all the good things that are happening in your life….ALL OF IT. Then lay out an offering to your God or Goddes and sing a song to them from your full heart, or dance to them, or draw a picture for them but make sure you give them their favorite feast and say THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am now ready to receive all it is you want to give me and I apologize for wearing a broke down robe that I have outgrown a long time ago! Please assist me and show me when I am not enjoying, receiving, and accepting the good; and thank you for helping me face my fears!
Thank you for the gift of your time! This week, notice when you feel fearful and think is this grounded? Or am I just creating a problem that has not occurred yet?