Thursday, August 4, 2011

"Why are you getting schoolin' to figure out who you are? You never see a squirrel askin' why do I gather nuts?"

I have done Magick for as long as I can remember, but I have prayed twice as much as I have ever performed Magick.

Everyone has dreams.  Dreams evolve as you grow.  When you are a little toddler you may dream of joining the circus and riding barebacked ponies, when in kindergarten you may dream to become a movie star; in junior high you may start to dream of being a rock star, in high school you may start to dream of falling in love forever, in college you might dream that you want to become a professor, then after you graduate you may dream of owning your own home, later in life you may dream of traveling overseas…and so the dreams cycle and the merry-go-round turns round and round as you yourself spiral toward a destination.

Dreams are what motivate us to accomplish things; or they can be what devastate us when we “wake up” and realize that for us we do not want to invest the time, the effort, or even pursue what we previously thought was so desirable.  I know I am glad I did not become a bareback pony rider, or meet and get married to the love of my life before high school.  In fact, if any dream I had before the age of thirty had “really become actualized” I would not be writing a blog today; I would not be married to my very handsome wonderful Pagan husband, and I definitely would not have my youngest child Cayden Donovan.  In other words, the years of yearning and longing and plotting, scheming charting and trying different roles and paths on before a certain age was necessary to keep me motivated and walking further down the path but would not be; and have not become the dreams I “woke up” and found myself committed to.

Sometime you stumble upon your dreams…..not looking for them, not planning them out, just listening to the wind in the form of spirit as it whispers in your ear while you are sleeping, as it strokes your hand lightly when you need comfort, as it motivates you to go out and find others who “believe as you do” because something important is going to happen and you are a player in the bigger picture.  A lot of times, when you command dreams they dissipate, but when you are not looking for them they materialize and the next thing you know you have become one with the dream that the God/Goddess had in mind for you before you were ever conceived.  The Gods “choose their own” it has been said during the centuries; and I have to say (that from my perspective) I think they have a wonderful sense of humor.

Did you know that I am a brand new “legal Wiccan/Pagan Clergy”?  Yep, that’s right.  This means that people expect me to know more than I do; and be more perfect than I can possibly be and so I find myself constantly scrambling for information, trying to educate myself better on marriages, relationships, rites of passage, how to listen and communicate better, what impact divorce has on families, the dynamics of small groups, and the list goes on and on.  Like most Wiccan/Pagan Clergy I do not receive an income for what I do; at least in the form of a paycheck with insurance benefits and tangible 401K.  I did not seek out to become a Wiccan Clergy.  It really never ever crossed my mind, not until my husband and some friends of mine mentioned they wanted to start a Legal Wiccan Church.  The various combinations I had been trying out on the “universal locker” clicked; and doors opened and I have never been the same since.

I am a reader, learner, accumulator of knowledge much like the scribes of old.  I love to sit at the feet of teachers and receive their sacraments; I practice what I learn until it becomes second nature or makes my brain explode one of the two.  I have always been driven to the point of near madness in any pursuit much resembling a wild stallion with blinders on.  It is my nature; it is how I am “made”.  When I realized sitting with my comrades and lover that night that the dream of starting a new Wiccan church was something they longed and yearned for; information I had read and acquired over the years came into place.  I invited them over, and shared with them through the stack of materials, print outs, websites, books, and legal documents, how one started a Legal Wiccan church.  I had the information and “the know how”, they had the passion and the dream.  The only thing I did not consider was that to turn that key in the lock of a door would mean that I would become Clergy.

When I realized, after sending out applications to various organizations to make that dream a reality that I would become legal Clergy I panicked.  I did not become excited, I did not “thrill in the power that would now be mine” (you hear people refer to this power all the time and I still scratch my head over it), I cried.  Yep, I cried.  I argued and shook my fist at my Goddess Isis telling her this was not what I had planned for myself.  I told her I did not want more responsibility, or to live my life “under a microscope”.  I reminded her that the “this was not a dream” of mine, but of others.  I thought she ignored me, instead she sent me to other Clergy and Elders in the area (and them to me) that “coddled me, comforted me, instructed me, took me in, and gave me their love, wisdom, and time liberally”.  I have been, and I am still am, fortunate enough to be taught by and surrounded by examples of what “Clergy” is and should be for this Midsouth community and for the world at large.

I am fortunate enough, to sit back and listen to and accumulate the dreams of Elders and founders of other Wiccan churches and sometimes lucky enough to get the opportunity to make them physically materialize.  I have become blessed enough to know very well the originators of many of the dreams that have become solid in this area in the form of “ethics, philosophies, covens, churches, temples”.  I have met in the flesh some of the “fore-runners” who put their lives on the line for my faith, whose families were threatened and yet still survived, who have kept on keeping on and have never let the fire die or the passion for their Gods. These people are one of the main reason I stopped “rebelling” against my Goddess and started “listening to her” more.  If you do not become humbled in the face of “true heroes and heroines” then you are made of materials that are not what I want to partake of.  Once you stop “rebelling and resisting” you start to relax and accept whatever it is you are meant to be.

I pray that I never ever have to put myself or my family in any physical danger to practice my religion; but it could happen.  I pray that no one I know that is Pagan or Wiccan ever has to lose their child in a custody battle because our religion is not “recognized or acknowledged as equal to” other religions in the United States. I pray that there becomes occult stores open in every town, so that people who practice our path can easily gather and buy supplies without worries and persecution. I pray that our path becomes less “Disney witchy” or “Hollywoodized” and more solid and walked which would make it more of a religion than a spiritual path.  Because I believe that our path walked will naturally transform this planet….how could it not?  It transformed me, and thousands before me.

I pray that I learn to accept and become comfortable with the “role” that has been given to me as a precious gift and that I “share the sacraments of the Gods and Goddesses” freely and naturally with others. I pray every day, that I learn to serve better the needs of others and that I listen more and struggle less.  I pray for all that I know that are ill, for those who I love dearly that are going through transitions, I pray for a new budding community that is shooting up faster than I can keep up with.  I pray, not because I am holy, but because I know I have “no idea” clearly on what to do most of the time.  I pray because I have faith, that my Goddess Isis chose me for a reason I cannot comprehend and that when I do not know what to do (which is almost every day) that she will step in and show me what to do; or point me to the knowledge I need so that I can help someone get a leg up.  I pray because prayer is what has gotten me through the deserts in my life.  I have faith that is so strong that I am reminded that I am as “stubborn as a mule” but that this is the faith that can “move mountains”.

Last night, a best girlfriend of mine called me and I found myself crying not only on the inside for her but on the outside.  She is not only going through a tough time, but she is being pushed by her Gods to try on a “new role” and I know that it will be so much better for her than what she even comprehends (because I have been there many times myself). I cried because I also know that it will be so much harder for her than what she previously knew.  I wish I could have held her in my arms, pulled her up in my lap, laid her head on my shoulder and patted her on the back and told her…”it is all going to be okay”.  I told her this verbally, but a voice is a poor substitution for physical touch.  I can only do so much for her over the phone, listen, tell her what she needs to know and hear, send her letters, cards of encouragement, check on her constantly, pray for her incessantly…but maybe that is all Isis wants me to do.  It is all my limited human brain can think of; but I know if I pray and listen Isis will share with me the “perfect thing” for my friend.

Sometimes you wake up from a dream to realize you are living a dream that is bigger than you and more than you could ever conceive of ; in that moment give thanks because if you find yourself in that situation realize that the divine wants better for you than you could ever want for yourself.  No human is perfect, life ain’t easy, and dreams can’t be commanded, but if you pray and ask…you will receive guidance.  I am so happy to know that underneath the thick batter of religion one thing we all share is the Power of Prayer. 

Thank you for the gift of your time, and I pray that you will never forget how power-full Prayer can be!


  1. Wonderfully said, my fellow traveler! Love you!

  2. Cindy Mc...thank you fellow goddess!

  3. It's a tough road, being pagan clergy! The lessons never end! But it's worth it. :)

  4. @ Michele Being a person is interesting, and where the road takes you, and I think for me...that is what I am just starting to take in and contemplate. Thank you as always