She was as quiet as the raindrops hitting a tin roof....

I haven't spoken to you all in a while.  I did not know what to say.  I felt whatever I said it would be read under a microscope, picked at, scraped at, and possibly misconstrued.  Then I realized, sometimes silence is okay; but being "scared to be judged" is not.  Let us all be honest here, you would think with me being Clergy of a Wiccan Church I would expect to be judged, and scraped over the coals.  You do and that is by the Christians usually, or people that just really ""have no idea" what Wiccan/Witch/Pagan is; BUT you do not expect fellow Pagans to do the same; but they will.  What sets an Elder Clergy apart from a "pretty new only four year Clergy" apart is the attitude.  They have all been burned, and hurt and threatened at many points and probably continually but their hides are thick and their shields even thicker and they have been there and done that and realize that you "cannot please everyone" and that "someone has to do the work". Yet, they still love and have compassion and take chances on new people every day!

By the way, believe it or not, Pagan Clergy is a fastly growing phenomenon in the South.  Especially in the ATC (Aquarian Tabernacle Church) which we are an affiliate of.  It is not that I lacked training, my local elders gave me classes.  My Midsouth elders heaped more classes on me, I have read more than twenty books on it and I am constantly increasing my library to be better at it; but in reality there is NO real preparation that can happen to prepare you for the transition from Highpriestess of a coven to Clergy of a Temple.  You have to get that the "old fashioned" way my Elders did through trials by fire.

Let it be stated at this vantage, that the Elders here in the Midsouth/South  are the best I have ever met.  They have stamina, they have passion, their magick is incredible, their wisdom deep, and their love and acceptance for the new Clergy makes one feel right at home.  When you hurt, they listen and they will pat your back from time to time but the best thing they do for me is push me and prod me and make me jump back in there and believe in the "work" even when I do not "mentally" feel it.  In fact, they have taught me that "following the will of the Gods is paramount" and that to "serve others" and "share the sacraments of the Gods" with others my real calling.  I felt the call, I was naturally a driven person but for some reason we people that want to "give and share with others" seem to think we can please everyone.  I am one of those people; and guess what I cannot.

I share this with you because I want you to understand that Pagan Clergy are not super human, we have frailties and flaws and we learn from our mistakes just like everyone else.  Sure we know a few things, maybe a lot of knowledge, but what makes a great Clergy seems to be time, consistency, and love oh my Goddess the love just pouring through you like an invocation that never stops...."Isis, please use me today.  Isis please help me be better.  Isis, please help me listen with your ears.  Isis, please as I walk your path may I be considerate to others.  Isis, show me how to help my community."   Then one day you realize it is this constant "nagging" that shows you are insecure, sure you want to serve but you don't exactly know how to do that and so you have to come and "trust" a power higher than yourself to walk you through it.  You are constantly improvising; gathering knowledge as you go understanding that every case is different and every situation new and unfolding.

I thought I was a horrible candidate for clergy five years ago.  I probably was, but my Elders saw something in me (just like my Gods did) that I never could see.  It might have been my determination, or my passion for my Gods but they have held up a mirror to show me parts of my self and have taught me to love all of them even the "darker ones". Through this, I have come to accept "dark and light" in Sonya and have come to see that it all works as balance and counter balance and that all of my skills that are called into play are "light and dark" at times.  All of life is not happy...in our circles we point out that life is where "joy and sorrow, pain and happiness all come together and meet making one energy".  How funny I could say that line for more than five years, and yet until recently could not apply it to myself.

 We women had gathered for a healing circle.  Beside me were two mighty sisters and Crones, next to me a sister I have come to love more and more; the energy was being raised for healing. We all intoned wordlessly together and there in that circle patterns and harmonies and melodies arose!  Each woman singing her own natural tone, her own natural rhythmn and it was beautiful to hear!  As the energy wound down I looked over and saw one of my own community sisters crying; her pain was so fresh it hurt me to watch.  Without thought, I ran to her and put her in my arms and held her head to my shoulder and rocker her until she was calm and okay.  We toned a sorrow howl together for a moment, it was just her and me though all those women were still singing.  

RIGHT THEN I remembered telling an Elder Clergy I would never be that kind of woman, the kind that babied people and held them while they cried; I did not see that I was capable of it; but that woman had evolved and she had embraced change and sorrow and joy and happiness...and there Me and she was and I KNEW.  I was going to be good at this job!  Hell, I might already be good!  

I could credit all the Ministers who coddled me and fed my spirit (White, Black, Christian, Catholic, Presbyterian, UU, Episcopalean, Pagan Female, Male).  I can point out journeys, or insights I have had from my Gods that verify this path for me....but none of that has mattered until that "moment" a few weeks ago.

So if you don't like this post; ignore it.  It is okay, NO ONE is for everybody!  However, if you can relate and this post resonates with you...pass it on.  It is important (I think) for people to realize Pagan Clergy are human, and we learn together as the WHOLE community grows (and if you are pagan that means you!).  I am so grateful and so very happy that this is my path, and that I have the opportunity to share that joy with so many of you!

THIS week...remember that all of you is Sacred even the parts you do not like.  Remember that all of you is necessary there is only ONE you and you are the most unique wonderful you ever!

As always...thank you for the gift of your time.

Have a Holly Jolly YULE tide!

I had a hangover Monday.  I call it a hangover, because after festivals are over <especially the ones you help throw> you feel hung-over.  No, you do not have a headache…you are just exhausted and partially dehydrated.  Your brain feels like mush, your eyes are dry and you have no idea what you are saying for at least twenty four hours following one…but you are up and moving about since the world requires this of you.

Tuesday, I had festival withdrawal.  After three days and two nights of being spiritually and emotionally fed I was buzzing.  Things that were said, shared, and taught were swimming around in my mind; and they still are.  I was fed from Dagda’s cauldron, I had the privilege of walking with Brigid and sharing her sacred flame with a community I adore.  I got to stand in circle and dispense the sacraments of the Gods with my local hero Rev. Terry Riley!  I got to meet Tish Owens in person who is the reason why I wanted to throw a festival in the first place!  I overheard Rev. Edwina Rickman’s workshop and meditation; Rev. Allison Hancock blew us all away with her beautiful dark Goddess workshop…and right when I thought the weekend could get no better it did.

Main ritual….Rev. Amanda Riley and my husband Rev. Brian Miller did the “traditional Yule log ritual”  all of us thanked the Gods for one thing from the year before, and asked for some guidance in the coming year on an issue.  Every church there (all three) shared their traditions and there were no “rights” or “wrongs”, no criticisms, no drama.  I stood witness as Alfred Willowhawk and his wife Willow announced the addition of a fourth ATC church in the Midsouth and realized we, the Pagans are organizing and gathering together sharing our teachings and traditions like wildfire!  Everyone was high, everyone was happy, everyone sang, everyone had smiles on their faces and laughter in their hearts…and when you looked there were ten children in circle.  Our babies are worshipping along side of us!

I got to do a workshop with Rev. Amanda Riley on practical magick!  Have I ever told you that when I first entered this community I observed and partook in two workshops that she taught and at that time looked at her with awe in my eyes? (pssst I still do)  Several years later and there I stood next to her listening, still learning, but having the great honor of sharing a workshop with her!  Teaching about herbs, washes, oils, and their properties thrilled my heart and I could have went on for hours…but the people would have fallen to sleep by then :)

Children’s workshop with Rev. Allison Hancock she told an old folk tale and all the children gathered together under a blanket giggling and squirming, making animal noises, because sharing and community was the theme and it is fun to be a child.  Then the Befana tale was shared and Befana came out cackling and laughing hugging children and they were all amazed and bewildered!  Who was this Befana?  Of course the adults new it was Rev. Cindy Mcmullin but the children were convinced it could not be anyone they knew, especially Cindy, because they knew that she was in the kitchen!  Thus Befana must be real! 

Rev. Anita Christopher facilitated all the children’s activities to their delight! Cookies were made, snow globes constructed, stories were shared with our tribe (children in our laps), fairy ornaments put together and placed on the tree, the children had rituals…but most of all they bonded just as we the adults did together tromping in the woods, spending time at the lake.  YULE in our Pagan tribe is about the Children; but at the very last we adults acted like children fussing and laughing about gifts while playing Dirty Santa. Oh did I mention I got a Ganesha portrait out of the Dirty Santa game? Now he lives in my hall above a niche where I can feed him with incense and candles.

The time in between all of these rituals, workshops, and craft times was a different kind of spiritual broth.  The time you spend listening, and learning and gathering as your head spins and your ears pop and you know that you may never comprehend everything that was jammed into you in those thirty six hours but you cannot walk away without being filled to the brim.

Magick is addictive, constructive, liberating, and heady but the purpose to me of festivals is for a spirit-filled fix until the next time you hang and sing with that many people.  Thus while I am still digesting like a cow chewing its cud everything shared and told me this weekend, I feel a longing, in my heart, and in my soul. It feels like when I was first in love as a young maiden yearning for a lover (I am sure we all remember those days) that is only temporarily away, but you  know and are certain they are still in love with you and like you are yearning and longing for your merging together once more.  This is how it feels to me, when I part from such a large community gathering.

So until Daughters of the Moon I will yearn, long for, reach out, light candles for, talk to on the phone and face book my Pagan family. In the meantime, know that I am here and that even if we are not together; we shall never be apart… in my heart.